Being a scientist is punishing piece of work , but being a mad scientist is even hard . There are so many extra danger , and you’re able to rarely even recognize them , because , you make love , you ’re mad and all . I extremely commend all mad scientists tape these 11 “ don’ts ” on their fridge or hunchbacked assistant , whichever they see most .
1 ) Do n’t assay to make life .
Just do n’t . It never , ever , ever die well . Even if you have all good parts — and you belike do n’t , because you ’re on the QT stealing them out of graves because you ’re committing crimes against man and God — any life sentence you create is almost sure run to be a hideous , near - mindless demon , so wrack with torment from being forced back to life that it will flog out at any life being in its itinerary . The other possibility is that it will be a attentive , well-informed fiend , so wracked with miserableness at its nightmarish existence it will dedicate its unnatural life to making you miserable , if not instantly murdering you . Also , if you somehow derive to footing with your introduction , do n’t endeavor to create life even if the first aliveness you ’ve make asks you to produce more . Sure , you think he know what he ’s talking about , because he ’s a horrible abomination and you think he ’d know the consequences . He does n’t . This still wo n’t mold out . You ’re just heighten the problem . Do n’t do it .
2 ) Do n’t set your inter - dimensional portal machine on a frozen lake .
Frankly , you should n’t set up anything on a frozen lake , whether you ’re a mad scientist or not . You ’re just ask for trouble . But if you ’ve got a big automobile that allows you to travel between parallel universe — one that use an vivid amount of vigor , and , you know , probably emits a fair amount of oestrus — you especially should n’t put it on ice . Because , as Fringe ’s Walter Bishop find out when he try out to return to our universe with his parallel population boy Peter , the glass cracks , and then you both fall in an ice cold-blooded lake . And then in some timeline Peter drowns , break the whole item of going over there in the first place .
3 ) Do n’t buy your materials from terrorists .
4 ) Do n’t put your fiancée ’s school principal in a pan .
Frankly , you should n’t be putting your fiancée ’s head word in a pan anyways , even if you get in a dreaded car wreck that decapitates her and you have a lab at home with a special blood serum you ’ve cook up that keeps body parts animated , like Dr. Bill Cortner happens to have in The Brain That Would n’t Die . I ’m not articulate you should n’t taste to keep your bride-to-be ’s mind , just put her in something nicer than a baking cooking pan , for god ’s sake . Like an fish tank , or even a fancy ceramic bowlful . She ’s really had a spoilt enough day , do n’t you remember ?
5 ) Do n’t use the fact that your fiancée ’s head word is in a pan to go to strip clubs to ogle “ prospective body . ”
Look , I understand . Your fiancée is a headway in a pan , and she want a newfangled body . The inclination to employ the chance to “ upgrade ” her measurements has to be moderately strong . But two things : 1 ) she ’s probably not going to revalue the “ research ” you ’re doing , especially if it takes more than a span days , and 2 ) she ’s in spades not go to appreciate it if she used to be a B - loving cup and you of a sudden fit out her with a pair of Doctor of Dental Surgery . There ’s no win here . particularly if you allow your fiancee ’s caput in the room with an raging mutant and she organize a psychical link with it while your putt singles down Sapphire ’s g - string with your teeth . Because she ’s move to have that variation beat you to death , possibly with her own pan .
6 ) Do n’t hear to aliens that say they need to serve .
Because they ’re dwell . They do n’t want to help oneself ; they merely want to take over the planet and/or eat us , like in V. Aliens never want to serve us , and why should they ? We ’re insane , destructive monkey creature — no foreigner with a lick of sense would want to give us advanced technology or have us roam through the wandflower , nor should they . And if you ’re a scientist who discovers an alien that want to help humanity by taking over the universe — e.g. , It capture the World , in which the alien offers to end all war by basically mind - controlling everybody on the planet . Because while there may no longer be state of war , it ’s because we ’d all be mindless hard worker to a jumbo cucumber with a look . Not worth it , bro .
7 ) Do n’t turn yourself into a cockamamie beast .
Hey , if you ’re dictated to turn yourself into a terrifying human - animal hybrid , I ’m not going to block off you . But you need to make certain the animal is something that ’s not go to make you look or sound like an idiot when your victims see you running at them in the dead of night . coolheaded animals admit wolves , social lion and sharks . Dumb animals let in penguin , sloth , and duck-billed platypus . Also , do n’t be like Dr. Z of parentage water of Dr. Z , and pick something waaaaay too specific , like the walking catfish . mayhap being a human / walking catfish hybrid is super - awesome and you have loads of cool new power ( although line piddle of Dr. Z give no grounds this is dependable ) . But walking catfish do n’t have a peculiarly terrible reputation , meaning when people hear there ’s a walking catfish - man terrorizing the nearby lake and river , they ’ll be more confounded and discombobulate than afraid . Why make things harder on yourself ?
- Do n’t pick out the clay of manslayer for your experiments .
You are do an experiment . This means you do n’t know what will happen . So , if you ’re performing an experiment on a cadaver , there is always a chance that what you ’re doing could ensue in the corpse returning to life , perhaps with superintendent - powers . Sure , maybe you ’re just seeing what will happen when you feed an irradiated Mentos to a bushed person and it seems super - unlikely that he ’ll spring back to living , but you do n’t know for indisputable . But if they do happen to come back from the numb , they are going to murder you and everyone else in your lab , because they are manslayer , and that ’s what they do . So rather than using the bodies of killer and other convict criminals for your experiments , why not utilise the bodies of courteous old madam ? That agency , even if they happen to come back to life and are misrepresented and malefic and are indestructible or something , at least you could probably outrun them .
9 ) Do n’t get dead set out of figure over a small facial scrape .
Human bodies are not indestructible . We get hurt , we get ill , we get marred ; it ’s just a fact of lifetime . So if you get a small nick on your nerve , get into a giant suit of armor and consecrate to kill the other scientist partially responsible for said mark is overreact , to say the least . I intend , just put a goddamn band - aid on , Dr. Doom . Or , if it really upsets you so much , go to a plastic operating surgeon . Seriously , I feel like the scar was the alibi to put on the armour and become a supervillain , not the cause .
10 ) Do n’t emotionally abuse your son if you ’re going to necessitate him later to aviate a jumbo automaton .
So the apocalypse is here , God is sending elephantine monster backer to destroy what ’s leave of human beings , and the only somebody that can stop them is your 14 - twelvemonth - old kid that you ’ve shat on for the last 10 or so class of his life . Is he pass to want to pilot the giant automaton for you ? Of naturally not . Is he endure to be a giant bellyacher ? Of course he is . Is the whole thing exit to be a massive trial by ordeal ? Definitely , and the fact that robot contains his dead female parent ’s someone is n’t run low to make thing any easier . If your plan for salvage the world ( or helping humanity exceed itself , or whatever the inferno Gendo Ikari in Evangelion is trying to accomplish ) is dependant on your kid‘s aroused well - being , then at least take him to Applebee ’s on his natal day while he ’s growing up .
11 ) Do n’t dwell to yourself about your madness .
wait , you may think half the fun of being a huffy scientist is getting revenge on those who ’ve wrong you . And it ’s true ; if your fellow scientists trademark you a lunatic , then by all right hand , you ’re grant to make an army of atomic acid to kill them and take over the humankind . But do n’t make that this , somehow , makes you sane . Killing your colleagues via nuclear superman is the very definition of insanity , and so all you ’re doing is try them correct . Poor Dr. Eric Vornoff in Ed Wood ’s Bride of the Monster is guilty of just that . Remember , be a huffy scientist , not a sad scientist .
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