Adam Carolla ofThe Adam Carolla Showfame deals with lousy batteries the same way we do : Angrily . What ’s ill-timed with them ? Why are we still having to bill stuff every day and dispense with dead gadget ? Carolla explains .
Well first off we got the forked - A and the triple - A , but I feel like we should set off with a single - A and then go . The two-fold - A and the triple - A are too close in sizing and in shape and in nomenclature . I got a slight AM transistor thing I heed to when I take the air around when I put the one affair in my pinna and I take the air around the neighborhood where I look like Burgess Meredith from Rocky with this affair on .
It take a AAA battery and I have four - hundred AA batteries and I do n’t have a AAA barrage fire - and again it ’s the kind of matter where it ’s the same retarded system of logic where you put Mockingbird Street next to Mockingbird Lane next to Mockingbird Avenue next to Mockingbird Canyon somebody is go to get blooming lost - and if you do AAA and AA and you make them almost the same size and almost the same girth but they do n’t jibe each other ’s shit , then there is disaster await to happen .
There ’s nothing bad than “ oh we got a shitload of battery ” and they ’re AA when you require AAA or vice versa . And then I do n’t love why they switched the degree Celsius and D , and by the way - who uses the C batteries?-that ’s like the lose stamp battery , the Tito Jackson of the Jackson family . You hear about Randy , you hear about Latoya , you get a line about Michael , the C stamp battery is the Tito of the Battery Jackson household . And then what ’s up with those kid ’s toys , they all take batteries - and some just pour down unresolved and you just pop in the batteries , others take the micro - screwdriver , and I do n’t get it . I do n’t know what the dispute is between the Dora the Explorer that take the battery and the fire truck that carry the shelling . Why does one have that little hatch that you depress with your pollex tail and pop it clear , and the other force you to take out a micro screwdriver ? I do n’t know may folks who have micro screwdriver , like those screw drivers you use to reduce the frames on your glasses .
And when you have Kid toy dog , and here ’s the technical thing , I desire someone to make a battery that just ends , it does n’t wear out like a car work out of gas , it just finish because the kids toys at night - especially after you ’ve had a few glasses of wine - start getting unearthly when the batteries go low . You ’ll just be sitting there watch television and you ’ll hear the [ slow - mo ] “ Riiing aaarounnnd the Rooooosey … ” and it all starts fathom Twilight Zone - y and unbalanced and freakish , because I do n’t know there ’s something about kid ’s toys go out of batteries that is the general calling scorecard for a horror movie - if you just think of that clown that goes “ aaarrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhh ” , the eyes twist crimson and the representative gets low and they sound like the guy from Silence of the Lambs , it just freaks your ass out . So my feeling is if a bombardment is go to go , just have it go . I do n’t wish that wear down to nothing . I live it ’s going to take a little technologically , but once it gets pass the power point where it operates whatever it is it ’s go past the spot it just needs to cut the hell off .
The other matter about batteries in world-wide , you probably recognise computer battery and cell telephone batteries - but I ’m sometime school , I was lugging around a automobile battery and I could n’t conceive how God maledict heavy it is . Batteries are so God damned heavy , I wish we could just lighten those things up . I got an iPhone , and the iPhone battery is shit . That affair does n’t last at all , and I realized - I think this thing is burning calorie everywhere searching for Wi - Fi everywhere I go - now here ’s my question for you . I do n’t use Wi - Fi , I use my iPhone as just a telephone and when I ’m just driving around town I ’m always using it as a telephone and I ’ve had Donny shut off the Wi - Fi search matter eleven time , and every time it starts back on again . So I keep saying , “ who ’s reverse this God damned thing back on ” and he ’s enounce “ well you must be doing something ” , and I ’m like listen - I barely lie with how to turn the goddamn phone on , trust I do n’t know how to move around the Wi - Fi search on , is it turning back on by itself ? And if so why ? Why ca n’t we just shut it off and then turn it back on when we ’re looking for Wi - Fi ? Why is it out scan , burn battery power all the metre ? I ’d be nice if that battery lasted a fiddling longer .
It ’s uncanny , I have this theory where we ’re catch in between engineering , for instance everybody who had air conditioning in their car in the 60s and the 70s it never really worked right for . Everyone who has air conditioning in their cars now have no problems , I mean you bribe a new railcar - I do n’t care if it ’s a Ford Fiesta - frosting inhuman atmosphere is move to bollocks up through those vents every clip you bulge out up the machine for the auto life-time , versus a 1963 Cadillac , even though it had air - it ’s a little bit spotted .
It ’s kind of like 3D engineering , it ’s been around - our kids will enjoy flawless 3D engineering , our parents had no 3D applied science , we were the ones that got kind of punished in between . People were experimenting with the technology , that ’s the generation you do n’t need to be in . I sense like just in cosmopolitan , whether it ’s galvanic cars or power tools or computers or cell speech sound , were the guinea pigs for the batteries .
apparently twenty years from now when our kids are walking around with cell phones there will be no issues whatsoever or computers . We ’re the barrage fire guinea hog , and also I never know what to do with those battery when I ’m done - specially those Dura - cell unity . I discover you’re able to bewilder them out because they ’re secure , but that ’s just something I ’ve heard - and , do you keep them in the electric refrigerator ? I hear no , I hear that it ’s an sure-enough wives tale , but it sounds like a great architectural plan does n’t it ? And then you recall , if they did better in the electric refrigerator would n’t they tell you ? Well , maybe they wouldn’t - peradventure that ’s their plan .
They want you to utilize them up faster .
Right . And then I do n’t bed who ’s got the best one ? There ’s Duracell , if they were a football game team they ’d be the coolest ones , but I do n’t know if they ’re the best . And I still wish putting that 9V on my tongue on occasion .
And then there ’s 15,000 different sized ones for things like wireless alert detectors and fume detectors and hearing aids and all that darn . You know there should be , you know they have those wine of the month clubs and nuts and fruit of the calendar month club - there should be a battery of the calendar month club . You just get a new battery in the mail once a month , you get one form the size of a Frisbee and it ’s bland , it ’s like “ what is this for ? ” “ oh , it goes in a M1 Abrams tank car ” oh I ’m certain I ’ll have some use for this at some point .
Or would n’t it be dainty if a pack of AAA battery showed up at your sign of the zodiac once a calendar month or a brick of 9Vs , you would never be without . It would be a decent practical gift , matter is worse than when you ’re mud around with something and you get that weird little odd shaped battery or a mini one that go in a detector or something and you ’re like “ ugh , I do n’t have this one”-you know what would be a nice gift ? A nice gift would just be a variety multitude , like the See ’s Candy loge of battery . Here ’s five AAA , and five AA , but also of the weird shorty ones and the weird newfangled ones that you see when you ’re checking out at Home Depot .
All that with a battery charger , though those matter - now I do n’t know what ’s up with those rechargeable AA shelling , they do n’t seem to work for shit . I do n’t know what ’s wrong with those things , they cultivate for ten minutes and then they do n’t seem to act upon anymore . I know you’re able to get those extenders for your iPhone which are the size of a brick .
Here ’s the other thing Jason , no one have it off the iPhone better than you , why is it when you ’re run low on batteries does it have to give you a heads up every eleven second ? It does that “ beep , hey human being you ’re running low on your shelling ” , you ’re yeah ok , and it goes ‘ push this push button to know ’ . By the way , who is in charge here , why do I have to acknowledge your demand ? You told me as the phone that I ’m running low on battery , I heard you - do I have to touch your belly to support it . I have to go , ok - and then ten seconds subsequently “ hey man you ’re downcast on battery ” yeah OK , and ten second afterwards .
What if this was a roommate instead of a stamp battery ? He prod his caput in to your room and articulate “ hey man when are you going to do those dish ” and you go “ yeah , I hear you I ’ll get on it ” and he dig his headway in to your way eleven indorsement later “ hey man , what about those dish ” and you go “ yeah , I listen you . Let me finish my phone call”-“hey man , what about those dishes ? ” and he kept on doing it in sempiternity . Would n’t that be kind of pestering ? It ’s not like I ’m sit down in a Radio Shack , I do n’t have a courser nearby . I would happily plug away you in , I listen you - I’m walking down the street , or I ’m somewhere where I do n’t have my battery charger - so stop burn barrage fire kilocalorie telling me you ’re pass low on batteries when I heard you the first bally time .
verbalize of that , I ’m haunt with this , why does a phone have to phone a 2d time a millisecond after the first ring ? You ’re in a movie dramatic art or you ’re at dinner or something or at work and your phone annulus , why does it have to ring again in ¾ of a moment ? Why ca n’t it ring once and then rent you get it , or shut out it off , or stumble silent ? What ’s up with the ‘ annulus , ring , ring ’ why ca n’t it just go off once and give you a secondment to pick it up . But your rest home does that . Your home sound gang , and then it takes five seconds off because it knows you have to get up off the sofa and get it . It ’s like when somebody knell your buzzer , what do they do ? They just lean on it and hold it down and never eject it ? It ’s tantamount to a roast on the door . You do your “ whang , knock , roast ” and then you sit back and let the somebody answer the crashing door . You do n’t just keep knocking , right ?
Why are these cellphones dicks ? Listen , here ’s and app - the app is this - do they have an app where the thing just mother fucking rings once and then gives you a full twenty second gear to plunk it up without gain any more noise ? So if you ’re in the theater or at a get together or somewhere so you ’re not embarrassed ? They should have this app . Everyone ’s phone is ‘ ring , ring , mob , anchor ring , ringing , ring ’ and it ’s not even two seconds . How about an app when the telephone just nominate a little cricket phone , or a phone that make a stochasticity so you would n’t get blamed - like a Cessna airplane flying by where you do n’t really get punished for it , like if you ’re in a theater and then it stopped . Then you ’d have meter to peck it up .
In add-on tohosting the Adam Carolla Showevery mean solar day ( iTunes tie-in ) , Adam is go to be up here at the San Jose improv this Friday and Saturday for five show . You canbuy tickets here . I ’ll be out there too , so come say hello if you see me .
He ’s also going to be at theHouse of Bluesin San Diego , so check that out as well .
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