Legendary author Chuck Palahniuk is known for plant like Fight Club , Choke , and Invisible Monsters . But his latest long - form fable is perhaps one of his strange , wise : a novellathat ’s also a colour book . It ’s a tarradiddle as darkly humorous as an anecdote Palahniuk has of another beloved author , revulsion maestro Clive Barker .
In festivity of Legacy ’s release , Palahniuk divvy up an essay with us about fortune , and sometimes unfortunate , encounters in his lifetime with celebrity — from the tragical to the weird , a tale about how even his biggest idols have had to go through some bizarre scenario because of their fame . The whole thing is a great read , but the highlight is absolutely Palahniuk ’s fib from horror fable Stephen King and Clive Barker . hold back out the full essay below , making its unveiling here on io9 .
His face count almost noted , the actor sitting on the polar side of the table . His face was semi - recognizable , but his name had yet to take in up . He ’d play in that Tobey Maguire movie . He ’d played the captain of the basketball team . Pleasantville , the moving-picture show was call . And he ’d been the naïve 1950s jock named Biff .
Now he was on a term of enlistment to drum up packaging for a new moving picture . I did n’t know what .
We were both in the Green Room of a San Francisco television station , each wait his twist to look on a seven - moment section of some topically produce morning show . The show ’s producer give each guest a clipboard with a list of the questions we ’d be ask on camera . The year was 2001 , and I was touring for my novel , Choke , but I never glanced at my interrogative . A caravan crash was in forward motion , and I could n’t take care away .
The worker postulate for a crimson pen , and when the manufacturer bring one he began to scribble out each question on his list , say , “ Do not ask me this ! ” He influence his way down the page . “ Do n’t you dare involve me this ! ” Red - facing questions as the producer stomach at his elbow . A monitor lizard was mounted near the cap , and we could see the current segment being shot . The actor was next up . His gaze take root on the last leftover question . He looked up , his eyes blazing and growl , “ If you ask me how it feels to be this good looking , I swear , I will walk off the set ! ”
The producer took the scribbled - on , unreadable tilt of now - banned questions . She said , “ If you ’ll come with me , Mr. Walker . ”
Of course . It was Paul Walker . He was shilling for The Fast and the Furious . He appeared on the monitor sit opposite the on - air interviewers . The interviewers stared dumbstruck at the intact sweep - out seam of enquiry . No one said anything for what pass off as an timeless existence on live television . Seven proceedings .
I make love that story . I love any news report where suddenly there ’s descent in the water . Everything goes sideways . Nobody dies , but for a second they wish they could .
In idiot box green rooms I could sit down with Eddie Fisher who was on the road to flog his book Been There , Done That . People doing local daytime television were either on their agency up or down the ravel .
Another brush with fame was Eric Nies , former model , former reality television star , who was tour to sell a rubber example strap call the “ Abaratus . ” At another San Francisco TV station , the show ’s floor film director ask him to remove his shirt and do sit - ups so they could shoot some B - roll to utilise during his audience . Nies did sit - ups and sit - ups and sit - ups until his spare back was leaving a dark V - shaped sweat stigma on the carpeting . Panting , he ’d need , “ You have it ? ” The floor music director would exchange smirk with the cameraman , and say , “ No , we need a little more … ” This pass on , the sweating and the baiting , eternally . understandably a vicious little power dynamic pickings blank space .
Yet another San Francisco story need my booster , Irvine Welsh , the source of Trainspotting and so many other nifty books . He and his wife , Beth , had invited me to the Exit Theater to take care the 2d night ’s performance of a play he ’d written . Babylon Heights . The previous dark ’s opening had been a sell - out , standing ovation success , and I ’m certain they looked for more of the same . That second Nox , no one get . For whatever intellect the entire consultation consist of Irvine , Beth , and me . The thespian were so unnerved they began to forget their line . The male lead broke down in tears on stage . They got through . We all got through . But that ’s a scale of nuisance you do n’t leave .
Another Word of God - related nightmare was the minor who stood in line to get his books signed by Clive Barker . As he stepped up to the autograph table , this kid whip out a razorblade and announced , “ Clive , this is for you ! ” and slashed both of his own wrists . pedigree poured forth .
year afterward I asked Barker what he ’d done . He insisted the wounds were n’t that deep . Nevertheless he ’d had the focus to run over the tabular array . Barker had snap up both of the kid ’s wrists and twisted them so he could press the bleeding cuts down , against the Thomas Kyd ’s book . He ’d staunched the hemorrhage long enough to save the kid ’s life , and Barker said he ’d even scrawl his own key signature across the regalia of books — in the kid ’s pedigree — before paramedical arrived .
In the same nervure — pun destine , highly intended — almost the opposite happened to another repugnance writer . This level get along secondhand from a booster , Kim Ricketts , who for years consort the writer event at the University of Washington Bookstore . One dark , over beers , she tell me how she ’d talk terms to get an event with Stephen King . The terms of his show call for a locale limited to five thousand lover . Each fan could bring three book to have autographed . bodyguard would have to be allow for as well as someone who could hold an ice pack to Mr. King ’s shoulder joint for the duration of the eight - time of day signing .
Kim had arranged all of this , and on the day of the event she found herself amidst five thousand people in Seattle ’s Town Hall , a vast former church on Capitol Hill . She opted to bear the methamphetamine hydrochloride to King ’s shoulder , and a few people into the long , prospicient lineage he asked her for some bandages .
Describing the scene to me , Kim say he had tremendous calluses on his fingers from give playpen , no incertitude from doing these marathon author signings . One of those callus had cracked and blood was leaking and smudge on the Quran as he autographed them . Kim match to find the bandage , but not before a nearby fan had overheard the exchange . Before Kim could tread off , the fan yell , “ Do n’t bandage Mr. King before he bleed in my book ! ”
At that all five thousand hoi polloi waiting begin shouting , “ No fair ! If Mr. King bleeds in his books , then he should bleed in my books ! ” It was deafen .
Kim leaned close and say , “ They ’re your reader . It ’s your call . ”
She told me that he shrug off the infliction and go on to smear a little rip in all fifteen thousand leger bring for his autograph . After eight 60 minutes he was so weak the escort had to have a bun in the oven him to his limousine . But before the car could depart for the hotel a chemical group of fan jumped into their own car . They ’d come too late to be among the five thousand so they deliberately rammed King ’s car for the prospect to forgather their favorite author . The limousine was add together with King inside .
Writer ’s have an honest-to-goodness locution : “ Getting published is n’t the operose part … it ’s the first hard part . ”
It ’s hard to follow the Stephen King story , but my own Waterloo fall out in Skokie , Illinois . It was the tour for my novel Rant , a fact I only commemorate because I tossed outsized jelly - fill orb into a magnanimous crowd , and one struck and knocked down a display of Jane Austen novel . I bid to pay for the books , but the storehouse was already hating me . During the motion - and - answer ritual I call on exactly the awry man . Usually a 6th sense steers me away from the really hostile people , but this adult male wore a suit and tie and speak with a Scots brogue . In front of several hundred masses , he asked , “ Do you she-bop to Brad Pitt ’s movie ? ” The silence was crushing . break only by the giggling of the mean bookstall staff . In lieu of anything truly brilliant — No , dude , I masturbate to your female parent ’s picture … No , buster , I masturbate to my bank statements.—instead of the perfect rejoinder , I aver , “ No , I do not wank to Brad Pitt ’s exposure . ” Lame . Epic fail .
The sign language lasted until one in the morning . The bookshop faculty did not mouth to me the entire metre . The manager point at the door , and I leave .
That ’s why I collect these stories of disaster .
Because when things go sideways … when there ’s blood in the H2O — No , beau , I masturbate to the idea of punching your smug Scots face.—these stories are a comfort .
And this is n’t schadenfreude , either . The takeaway is that even my most - respected poor boy , even at the meridian of their acclaim , have faced public derision . Just when they should feel dependable from indignity , they were made to squirm . And they live on .
And I will also crash and burn . And I will survive .
And so will we all .
bequest : An Off - Color Novella for You to Color isavailable now .
Clive Barker
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